Are you looking to break free from planned binges? You're not alone.

Take a look at your monthly calendar. What do you see: dinner with your partner, brunch with girlfriends? What about binge eating? 

I certainly wasn’t adding “BINGE EAT!” to my scheduler, but over time it became something that I planned for and looked forward to nearly every single day.

Having planned binges meant that after work I got off the subway one stop early so that I could stop by the grocery store that sold my favorite binge foods. It meant that I was acutely aware of my roommate’s schedule so that I could be home alone to really enjoy the food without being interrupted. It meant that I had a place where I could quickly shove the food in case I heard her keys unexpectedly unlocking the door.

Now, here’s where things get a little confusing. I was constantly in pursuit of a smaller body. So why on earth did I plan out my evenings so that they could include a lengthy binge? I knew that the binges were likely causing weight gain. As you can imagine, this created a lot of inner turmoil. Rarely was my mind at peace.

I now know that I was not alone in my struggle, even though it felt like it at the time.

I am writing this article to reassure you that you are not alone if you are currently struggling with planned binges. I also want to reassure you that there is hope for recovery.

I know what it’s like to wish that you could stop, and at the same time, really look forward to the next binge. I know what it's like to be disgusted with yourself for eating so much, yet believe that "regularly-sized" meals will never be enough to satisfy. I also know, from both personal and professional experience, what it’s like to see the binges become fewer and farther between, until they eventually stop.

WHAT IS BINGE EATING

To start, I find it important to describe binge eating not by the amount of food being consumed (though it usually feels like a lot), but, as Isabel Foxen Duke says, "by the cause or motivation for eating, which is primarily a reaction to real or perceived deprivation."

In other words, we are not binge eating because we’re in the middle of polishing off an entire box of cookies. We are binge eating because we’re reacting to real or perceived deprivation.

Real deprivation is when you restrict yourself from eating certain types or amounts of food. The desire to restrict usually comes from wanting to lose weight or maintain a weight that’s lower than your body’s natural set point.

Perceived deprivation means that you’re actually eating the food, but you don’t fully enjoy it because you’re simultaneously feeling like you SHOULDN’T be eating it. Why? Because you believe that it will lead to weight gain or that it will stop any current weight loss momentum.

As you can see, both types of deprivation are fueled by the desire to manipulate the size and shape of our body. The irony of the situation is that the more we restrict, the more our body compensates by driving us to eat large quantities of food. From a physiological perspective, it makes sense. We actually need additional food because we've been restricting and our body wants to prevent starvation.

In hindsight, I can see that I looked forward to regular binge eating in the evenings because my body was hungry! It was craving to be nourished, from both a nutritional standpoint and an emotional standpoint. My body was low on fuel, AND it was missing the pleasure and satisfaction that comes when we really enjoy a meal.

The root of binge eating

This is why it’s so important to know that deprivation is at the root of binge eating.

When you plan for an evening or a weekend of binge eating, it’s not your fault. You’re NOT lacking willpower.

It simply means that you are experiencing real and/or perceived food deprivation. Physically or emotionally, you are restricting.

You are restricting because you want to manipulate the size of your body.

And you want to manipulate the size of your body because our society praises, worships, and glorifies thinness.

Our culture IS diet culture. When you don't meet the thin ideal, you feel unworthy, ashamed, and guilty because you aren't doing "it" right. As a result, you restrict. And as you now know, this restriction leads to binge eating. Because whether you’re conscious of it or not, your body is making sure that it has enough fuel to stay alive. 

DIET CULTURE + SHAME & GUILT + RESTRICTION = 

BINGE EATING

So where do we start? I have found that the best approach is to slowly and gently challenge diet culture. There are many ways to do this, and here are a few of my favorites.

1. Adjust who you follow on social media. Stop following fitness accounts and seek out accounts that show women living happy lives in bodies of all shapes and sizes.
2. Give yourself full permission to eat one food that you consider to be off-limits. Journal through any uncomfortable thoughts that arise as you experiment with this. You may want to challenge the validity of the thoughts. Are they really true? How do you know?
3. Make a list of all of the things that dieting and the pursuit of being thin has taken from you. For example, time spent with friends or money wasted on powders and shakes.
4. Gift yourself a month of Intuitive Eating Coaching for more individualized guidance and support.

As you may have noticed, none of the suggestions say "Just stop depriving yourself, then the need for binge eating will go away." Deprivation has strong, deep-seated roots. Our culture encourages us to restrict; shame and guilt encourage us to restrict. We need easier stepping stones in the beginning.  

IN SUMMARY

We often feel hopeless and out of control when it comes to binge eating. Especially if planned binges have become something that we "need" and really look forward to. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t stop bingeing until I quit depriving myself. Binge eating doesn’t go away if you continue to restrict certain types or quantities of food, or if you feel shame when you do eat.

I know that it is hard to stop restricting if you believe that your body is too big, or if you have a fear of gaining weight. These beliefs are incredibly hard to let go of because of the diet culture that we live in. But if you can slowly start to challenge the thin ideal and put weight loss on the back burner, you will finally be able to experience the freedom that you desire and deserve.

I'm still struggling with Shame and Guilt

After writing my last blog post, I was asked by a reader,

“What do I do if did eat emotionally, and despite my best efforts to see it as an okay option, I still struggled with feelings of shame and guilt? I tried to remind myself that emotional eating can be part of my normal eating experience, but I couldn’t stop feeling bad about myself and my actions. What did I do wrong? And what can I do differently next time?”

First I would encourage you to give yourself lots of compassion. Just as you did, remind yourself that you didn’t do anything wrong by choosing to eat emotionally. Unfortunately, emotional eating is demonized in our culture because of fatphobia. Our culture tells us that eating for reasons other than hunger will cause weight gain, and because we fear weight gain, we say that emotional eating is bad. But as you’re learning, emotional eating is totally normal and everyone does it from time to time. I know you were hoping to move on from your emotional eating experience just as if you had coped by watching a tv show or calling a friend. You know, like it was No. Big. Deal. But as the saying goes, “patience young grasshopper.” In order to consistently respond with self-kindness, you must practice responding with kindness. 

Your usual response to emotional eating might go something like this.

“I wish I didn’t do that. Why did I turn to food again? I’m too weak, I’ll never be able to make a different choice.”

Repeated and habitual thoughts of this nature create a well worn path in your brain. Essentially, the synapses between particular neurons have strengthened and become super efficient, creating a strong circuit. This strong circuit is what creates your memory. In order to form new memories, such as automatically reacting to emotional eating with kindness, you have to create new circuits. These new circuits are formed and strengthened when you begin to PRACTICE new responses.  

a practical example

It’s 3pm in the afternoon. You feel an urge to reach for the M&M’s that your coworker keeps in a bowl on her desk. You tell yourself that there’s nothing wrong with eating a hand full. Eating is always an okay choice because you’re not following any type of rule, and you know that restriction usually backfires, causing you to binge in the evening. So you pick up a spoon and scoop out several M&M’s. Even though you reminded yourself that you’re not a bad person for choosing to snack on the candy, your self-talk becomes very critical and you begin to feel bad about your choice.

four steps that will help you respond differently over time

• Step 1 - Remind yourself that these thoughts are normal.
• Step 2 - Ask a neutral question that comes from a place of curiosity, not self-criticism. 
• Step 3 - Answer the question
• Step 4 - Stand up to the critical voice with a neutral or compassionate statement.

Going back to our example, I would tell myself:

• Step 1 - Lisa, you’re learning a new tool. In the beginning it's normal for negative self-talk to make an appearance.
• Step 2 - I wonder why I desired candy in that moment? What was it giving me?
• Step 3 - I had been working hard for several hours without a break. I probably was searching for a fun distraction. Stopping to eat the M&M’s was providing a needed break from work.  
• Step 4 - Now I understand why I chose to eat M&M’s, and it wasn’t because I was weak. Eating the tasty treat brought a little spark to my afternoon. I needed this bit of joy. I wonder if another action could provide the same relief next time I’m in a similar situation? Perhaps I’ll experiment.  

As you can see, the solution for getting rid of shame and guilt after emotional eating is not to avoid emotional eating all together, stuff down the shame and guilt, or force yourself to respond differently. The solution is to incorporate neutral or compassionate self-talk when shame and guilt start to appear.

A surprising truth about normal eating

I have a friend who never seems to be tormented by food. She moves freely throughout her day without needing to recall how many calories were in her lunch before deciding on what to eat for dinner. Sometimes she eats a little too much, but instead of beating herself up, she says with a smile, “I think I might be in a bit of a food coma.” She will enjoy a bagel with strawberry cream cheese when the desire strikes. The same goes for fruits, veggies, and whole grains. I would call this friend a normal eater. Do you know what else is a regular part of this friend’s eating experience? Emotional Eating.

"Hold on, I thought the goal was to sit with our emotions and to work through them. If this is true, how can you say that emotional eating is a part of normal eating?"

As with most food and eating related topics, there is some grey area here. Let me explain.

Coping Mechanisms Are Needed

Emotional eating is one way to cope when we feel stressed, isolated, sad, or bored. We can also watch tv, go for a walk, or listen to music. Coping mechanisms are needed because it would be too exhausting or even inconvenient feel our feelings 100% of the time. Sometimes we do need a quick fix so that we can get through a project at work without crying, or help our kids with their homework without snapping and yelling.

I am not here to tell you what the right coping mechanism is. It will vary from person to person, situation to situation. You will be your best guide.

Let me paint a picture for you.

It’s evening and you’re home alone after a busy day at work. You’re seriously craving something sweet. Instead of heading straight for the ice cream, you pause and reflect on what you were thinking and doing just before the craving hit. After a moment, it becomes clear to you that you’re trying to protect yourself from feeling lonely. You know from experience that if you sit with your loneliness or try to work through it, crying is imminent. In fact, you already feel the tears welling. If you continue, you will be stuffy, congested, and unable to sleep. In this moment, self-care might mean setting the loneliness aside for the evening and choosing a coping mechanism that feels comforting and good. You might choose to put together a puzzle, you might choose to eat ice cream, or you might choose to do both.

“It sounds like you’re saying that it’s normal, even beneficial, for us to use coping mechanisms from time to time, and that this can include emotional eating. If this is true, why does emotional eating get such a bad rap? Why do we feel so guilty after we do it?”

Emotional Eating and Weight

In my opinion, the answer is simple. We fear and avoid emotional eating because we worry that it will lead to weight gain. If you’re stressed at work, do you feel guilty after taking a five minute break to chat with a colleague? Most likely you do not. What if you choose to spend five minutes in the break room eating a doughnut? Would you feel any differently about yourself as you make your way back to your desk? If so, I invite you to examine why that is the case. It’s completely normal to be concerned about weight gain, but my advice here is to put all weight-related thoughts on the back burner. My guess is that your weight has historically dictated your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Take a moment to consider how this has worked out for you.

Normalizing Emotional Eating

Choosing a non food-related coping mechanism is not the morally superior choice. Instead of using every ounce of energy to avoid emotional eating, allow it to be an option. Eat emotionally if you really want to. Once you feel that you have full permission, the question becomes, do you really want to? This mindset shift leads to less shame and guilt should you choose to eat. It normalizes the action. You might not know this, but the shame and guilt that occur after emotional eating are the very emotions that then drive you to binge eat. It’s not the original emotions themselves. Feeling okay with your choice to eat during an emotional time leads to subsequent decisions that are in line with your values. Why? Because you don’t feel like you’ve done something wrong. When you finish eating, you’re in a positive headspace. And this sets you up for positive choices.

In Conclusion

The difference between you as a normal eater and as someone who struggles with emotional eating is the way you feel about emotional eating. As a normal eater, you will approach uncomfortable emotions knowing that you have many options, including eating. If you do choose to soothe your emotions by eating, you will be able move on with your day because you aren’t weighed down with shame and guilt. Emotional eating is not the enemy, it’s just one thing you sometimes do as a normal eater.