Why listening to your body is hard...and what to do instead

Eat when you’re hungry. Stop when you’re comfortably satisfied.

For years, I so badly wanted to be able to do this, but instead I found myself nibbling when I wasn’t hungry, overeating at mealtime, or binging for pleasure on a regular basis.

Listening to my body’s hunger and fullness cues felt like just the tool that I needed to end my struggle with chaotic eating and body shame. After all, this is how we were designed to eat from birth. Yet I JUST. COULDN’T. DO IT.

Maybe you feel this way, too? You wonder, “Why is this tool so darn hard to figure out?” You’ve read the book, your motivation is high, but suddenly the tool feels faulty or broken because once again you find yourself eating when you’re nowhere near hungry.

I’m going to tell you what took me years to figure out. Listening to our body’s hunger and fullness cues IS a wonderful tool or skill that can lead us to peace with food and body acceptance. But here’s the kicker - it’s so much more complex than it seems. Why? Because when you’ve been dieting or eating to manipulate your body for years (“I really want the fried chicken, but it’s not on the plan so I won’t”), your body doesn’t know that it can trust your inner voice or intuition. This great skill that you want to start implementing is useless until you begin to break it down into even smaller practices.

Let’s look at an example. Your inner wisdom is telling you that a hamburger and a side of veggies sounds like a really satisfying meal. You’re hungry for it, you enjoy it while you’re eating it, and now you’ve reached the point of comfortably satisfied. But suddenly you feel a strong urge to snack on the leftover Halloween candy that’s sitting in your cupboards. You can’t get it out of your mind. Soon you’re eating it straight out of the bag and wondering why you couldn’t simply honor your body’s fullness cues. You feel broken and ashamed.

You are not broken.

Your body is just not used to getting it’s desires met. How often have you eaten chicken and broccoli despite wanting a slice of pizza? Or maybe you’ve been feeding yourself small portions based on a program’s caloric recommendations, despite being hungry for more? Now you’ve eaten a hamburger because you wanted it. Great! But your body doesn’t expect this type of behavior to last. It’s afraid that you’re going to ignore it’s future desires, so it tells you to get your hands on all of the Halloween candy NOW because tomorrow it will be off limits.

Simply wanting to follow your body’s hunger and satiety cues is not enough. Good news; you don’t need more willpower, but you do need small, action-based practices that act as stepping stones to the ultimate goal of honoring your body’s intuition.

Step 1: Pause

Cravings and persistent thoughts of eating may lead to grazing on office candy throughout the day, overeating at mealtime, or bingeing in the evening, for example. A common theme here includes feeling like you don’t have a choice. “The candy is just sitting out; I can’t help it,” or “I like food too much; I simply can’t stop eating it.”

This is where taking a deliberate pause comes into play. When we take even just a few seconds to pause and be mindfully present, we create an opportunity where a range of choices becomes apparent. The goal is NOT to choose to walk away from the food. You may end up eating it, and that is okay (though it may not feel okay at the time, and I get that). The goal here is to open up to the idea that all possible choices are okay. When you can fully embrace this as truth, only then can you create space for genuine choice.

Step 2: Tune inward

When you’re pausing, you may choose to tune inward. This might feel uncomfortable at first because we often use eating as a way to disconnect from what we’re actually feeling. But as a result of checking in with yourself, you are taking back your power. Checking in allows you to see more clearly what it is that you really want or need.

You may ask yourself any of the following questions as a way of turning inward:

Am I hungry? Am I full? What was I experiencing just before the craving arrived? Was I feeling anything uncomfortable (bored, stressed, lonely, physically uncomfortable, etc)? When I feel these feelings, could something else help? What will feel most nourishing?

Step 3: Make a choice

After tuning in and working through the questions above, it’s time to make a choice - eat, or don’t eat. You are now more equipped to make this choice from a place of compassion, awareness, and freedom. Maybe you’ve discovered that you are not physically hungry and there’s something emotionally difficult going on. You can choose to eat or you can choose to walk around the block for five minutes. There’s no right or wrong choice. The point is that you’ve made a choice. And each time you do this, you move closer to a place where you can comfortably act based on your intuitive needs and desires. Soon it won’t be quite as difficult to honor your body’s hunger and fullness signals.   

Fear of gaining weight

I know that my weight and body size do not determine my self-worth. My inherent value does not fluctuate with a number on the scale. The size of my pants cannot define my character.  But I’m still human, and I still fear weight gain from time to time. However, I now come to expect it and am even open to it because it’s a chance for self-reflection and growth.

“What is underneath the fear of weight gain? In other words, when I’m fearing weight gain, what am I really fearing?”

I want to share with you these two coaching sessions that I had with myself (yes, you read that right) where I work through the questions above. It might seem a bit strange, but truly, the questions below were able to flow freely from my coaching voice, or caregiver voice, which allowed me to answer honestly and openly.

Conversation Number One

Lisa: What’s underneath my fear of weight gain? I fear that others will be talking about me behind my back.

Coaching Voice: What might they be saying?

L: Look at her. Her thighs are so big and she has a double chin. She doesn’t look like us.

CV: For argument's sake, let's say that other people are having these thoughts. Why are their thoughts about you bothersome?

L: If I don’t fit in because my body is too big, or I don’t look beautiful enough, then they might not want to talk to me or be friends with me.

CV: And if they don’t want to be friends with you, what happens?

L: I feel lonely and I feel sad. I’m reminded of an experience in middle school. I was a new student in a new school, and I feared eating lunch alone because doing so felt scary and isolating. I also believed that if others noticed that I was alone one day, then I would be “the girl who doesn’t have any friends” and I knew that it would be hard to get friends after receiving this label. I noticed that all of the traditionally pretty girls always had someone to sit with. So this told me that as long as I could be pretty enough (which included being thin enough), I would never have to eat lunch by myself and experience loneliness.

CV: So perhaps you fear weight gain because you believe it could bring about loneliness, lack of human connection, and sadness.

L: Yes.

CV: Those are pretty powerful and valid fears. But they are also fears that we can start to untangle or pull apart from thoughts of weight gain. How can you talk back to your belief that weight gain leads to being alone? Do you have any proof that this is NOT true?

L: Well, I have friends of all sizes and I love all of them unconditionally. I would never consider excluding anyone. 

CV: Why do you love them?

L: Because of how they make me feel, which is special, included, and loved. They bring joy to a room. Their laugh is contagious. We have great conversation. They are constantly serving others who are in need, and I admire that.  

CV: So when fear of weight gain creeps in, what can you tell yourself?

L: I make my friends feel loved and cared for. My friends value me because I am inclusive, I make them laugh, we have great conversation, and I inspire them through my actions. As a friend, I have so much to offer. I don’t have to worry about loneliness if I continue to be me, no matter what I weight.

Conversation Number Two

Lisa: I fear that I won’t get to shop in the stores that I love because the clothing will be too small and uncomfortable.

Coaching Voice: When you try on small and uncomfortable clothing, how does that make you feel?

L: I feel like a failure.

CV: Feeling like a failure is emotionally uncomfortable and even scary because it means that you've been working towards something, but your current behaviors haven’t been able to get you there. So I can see how you would feel like you’re simply not good enough or failing. It makes sense.

How about right now? What is your experience like when you go clothes shopping?

L: It varies. Sometimes the clothes are too small no matter what size I try on. Other times they are too big. And then sometimes they fit great and I love the way that I feel in them. I’m not as bothered as I used to be when the clothes are too small because I don’t feel like it’s my fault that I cannot fit into them.

CV: I love this. So two things that I’m hearing. 1) You’re starting to see that it’s the clothing’s responsibility to fit your body. And if something doesn’t fit, it’s the clothing’s problem, not yours. 2) When you try on clothes that fit, you said that you love how you feel in them. What I see here is a deeper desire to feel good. Period. What do you think?

L: Yes! What I really want is to to feel good. You nailed it. And to me, feeling good means that I feel proud; I’m feeling at ease and relaxed. I will also feel connected to other people. I won’t feel like I’m in a constant state of struggle or anxiety. Life will seem to flow.

CV: That’s beautiful. I love that. I want to come back to this. But first I want to go to point number one. Why do you think that you’re not as bothered now when clothes don’t fit you? How is it that you’re able to brush it off and move on with your day?

L: I think it’s because my daily habits and behaviors are no longer destructive. I’m eating in a way that supports my values, which include freedom and kindness. So I’m more able to accept my body and be happy with its shape and size because I know it’s a result of treating myself well and respecting my values. When my eating habits were more disordered I felt like a failure because of course I didn’t want to be behaving that way. So when I tried on clothes that didn’t fit, it was just another reminder that I was failing.

CV: This makes sense. Because you feel proud of your eating habits and behaviors now, you’re more comfortable in your own skin. You see that you’re doing the best that you can, and your body is a reflection of that, which means that it’s hard to get mad at your body for not fitting into a mass produced piece of clothing. Does that sound right to you? If so, as long as you continue to eat in a way that promotes self-compassion and self-care, is it possible that potential fluctuations in body size won’t seem like that big of a deal? In other words, a change in weight might not seem that scary after all? I’d encourage you to think over this possibility if you’re open to it.

And I don’t want to forget about what you said in point number two. It’s SO significant. You’re spot on. As humans, we just want to feel good. Let me say that again. We’re constantly searching for ways to feel good in life. You mentioned a few of your own methods: feeling proud, feeling relaxed and free from anxiety, and being connected to other people. And when you’re able to achieve these states of being, you feel like you’re in flow. Which means you are feeling good! Sure, having a positive experience in the fitting room allows you to feel good, but there are so many other ways to achieve feeling good in life. And I think you can use your values that I just repeated here as a guide. What do you think? What makes you feel proud (or relaxed, etc.), and how will this lead to feeling good?

L: Like I said before, I feel proud when my eating habits are kind; when they allow me to feel free. So, as long as I continue to practice intuitive eating, I'll be creating a multitude of opportunities in life to feel good. Which, as we discovered, is actually my deepest desire. 

When I start to fear weight gain and future body changes because of potential fitting room challenges, I'll be able to remind myself that the shopping experience is only one small slice of the "feel good" pie.   

So there you have it; two honest and real conversations that I had with my inner caretaker voice.

Why did I share these chats with you?

1) I want you to know that my thoughts, desires, and wishes are not perfect, and I don’t think that they need to be. YOURS DON’T EITHER. We are all human beings living this life together. We have the same struggles; we are not alone. And I am certain that we can all receive comfort in knowing this.

2) We can use our moments of discomfort and fear as an opportunity to dig deeper. What are the underlying fears that you carry; the big ones that get masked by the more obvious ones?

3) If you have a hard time unearthing the big fears like I did in my examples above, I invite you to consider reaching out to me or another health professional. Once you are aware of your BIG FEARS, you can respond in a way that will make a BIG DIFFERENCE. Staying focused on weight loss or appearance alone keeps your responses small. You won’t grow and you won’t feel better long term. That is not what I want for you. I want you to feel in flow. I want you to feel good.

Click here if you are ready to feel good. I’d love to hear from you.

What is Intuitive Eating? - Part 1

Research shows that diets fail. It’s a fact; 95% of people who go on diets to lose weight regain all, if not more, of the weight that they lost.

As a result, ethically, I cannot promise weight loss to you or anyone else.

But here’s what I will do for you. I will help you to become an intuitive eater.

“Great, so what is intuitive eating?” you may be thinking. Instead of listing or paraphrasing the Ten Principles of Intuitive Eating (which I encourage you to check out here), I want to share with you what your life could look like as an intuitive eater.

You will be able to make food-related decisions independent of your weight or body shape.

In other words, you will eat what you want, when you want it, in quantities that feel satisfying to you, regardless of your current weight or size.

This might sound counterproductive or even foolish, but doing so moves you towards a place of greater alignment. Why is this important?

Because when you are in alignment, not only do you feel good, but you attract the results that you’re wanting in the first place.

For example, if you want to feel at peace with food, the best thing you can do is work towards enjoying the experience of eating.

Feeling good about doing what you need to do to manifest the outcome that you want puts you into alignment. Struggling keeps it from happening.                                                                                     - Daylle Deanna Schwartz

In terms of eating, this means that you no longer have to rely on unsatisfying, low-calorie diet foods. You are free to say goodbye to meal replacement shakes, frozen diet meals, low-carb protein bars, zero calorie dressings, and fake maple syrup. Why? Because these diet foods, or “fake foods” will not give you a truly satisfying eating experience. As you begin your intuitive eating journey, you will learn to check in with your body to see what it wants in the moment. You will pay attention to what sounds good right now. This means that you will eat foods that are pleasurable and satisfying to YOU, which could include full-fat Greek yogurt, milk chocolate, fine cheeses, or pasta with your favorite sauce. When you feel that you have full permission to eat all foods, and you make choices that reflect this, you will feel more connected to your body and its intuitive signals (alignment!). This means that you will feel good! And because you are in alignment, you will attract MORE positive outcomes. You will be able to move about your day without always coming back to thoughts such as, “I would like to have a piece of dessert, but I’ve already reached my calorie quota for dinner. If I eat more, I’ve failed. I will be proving to myself that I can’t do this; that I’m weak. And worst of all, I might gain weight.” Instead, you will begin to feel an ease around eating; you will feel at peace with food.

In Summary

While it might seem counterintuitive to eat without regard to your current weight, the exact opposite is true. When you give yourself true, unconditional permission to eat, you will find yourself in a place of greater alignment. Consequently, you will attract more of what you’re searching for. However, I understand that it might feel overwhelming to think about giving yourself permission to eat all foods all at once. I found it helpful when I focused on just one food during one meal period.  

In addition, when you eat based on your wants, desires, and needs, you are cultivating an environment for yourself where you will feel free to stop eating because your mental needs and your physical needs have been met. More on this coming in Part 2.

Click here if you have any questions or want to see how intuitive eating can improve YOUR relationship with food.